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Narcissist subdivision turkeys

  • Outdoor columnist Ben Smith says with turkey season less than ten days away he believes Satan is tempting him with several gobblers within spitting distance from his home. 

In this Earthly domain, there is temptation lurking around every corner. I fully believe that Satan knows your weaknesses and does his best to use them against you. In the book of Matthew, Jesus was led into the desert by the Spirit and tempted by Satan after fasting for forty days. Knowing that Jesus was hungry, Satan tried to get him to turn stones into bread. Then, Satan tried to get Jesus to jump off of the temple to prove that He was the Son of God. Last, Satan took Jesus on a mountain and showed him the kingdoms of the world promising to give Him authority over all of them if only He would bow to Satan. Jesus refused all of the temptations and Satan departed while angels came and attended to Jesus. 

Why did I begin this week’s column this way? Because turkey season is less than ten days away and I believe that Satan is tempting me. The evil one knows of my misfortune with the Eastern wild turkey and my quest to kill one. He knows that I’m beginning to get desperate. So, what does he do? He tempts me. He tempts me by putting not one, but several gobblers within spitting distance from my home. 

Now, most of you reading this might think that’s a good thing. And while it’s really cool to watch them, killing them would be one of the most unethical things that I’ve ever done as a sportsman. You see, these turkeys, while wild for the most part, have become accustomed to subdivision life (no, you cannot have my address). They’ve come to enjoy the finer things of the world. Things like paved roads and truck bumper mirrors. One could even say that they are narcissistic. They enjoy strutting in front of the shiny bumper of trucks parked in driveways. I relate it to when I see my reflection in a storefront window and get to look at my great figure and perfect hair. 

To make matters worse, my neighbors are contributing to the narcissist behavior of our fowl friends. They undoubtedly leave these shiny objects out for the birds, and I can’t prove it, but I’m 68% sure they are feeding them, too. And what’s worse is they know it! Just the other day I mentioned slapping on a ghillie suit and staking out in a neighbor’s backyard to help rid them of these self-absorbed birds, but I was quickly admonished. Obviously, this particular neighbor has never eaten fried turkey nuggets. And more importantly, this neighbor definitely didn’t understand my plight with the wild turkey.

On the other hand, there are other neighbors that absolutely know my struggles with killing a turkey. And what do they do to stifle my obvious temptations to do something unethical? They send me videos of the turkeys. I haven’t decided yet if the reason for the videos are for entertainment purposes, or to torment me. But they do torment me. I wake up every morning and the first thought that pops into my mind is, “I wonder if those birds are out?” 

It’s almost become an obsession. I’ve even got my kids fired up about it. Any time we get in the truck we’ve just got to drive around and see if the birds are out. I keep waiting for the cops to show up as a result of neighbors making phone calls about a black truck that keeps creeping around suspiciously looking for something to steal. Cool your jets fellow subdivision dwellers, I ain’t trying to take your garden gnomes. I do feel a little bit weird, though, stopping in the middle of the street with a slate call in my lap trying to get a gobbler to answer me.

Fortunately for these ‘ol Toms, my domicile is too close to the main road for them to venture far enough to be in any real harm. In the event that I start seeing tracks in the yard, I can’t say that I’m beyond pouring cracked corn out in the garage and shutting the door behind them should they come on in. We already have a couple of sparrows that have made a nest in my kayak hanging from the ceiling, so I’m sure I can create a roosting spot for a turkey if they need one. Before any of y’all go dialing the ‘ol snitch line, that was a joke. 

All joking aside, it really is cool to watch these birds doing their thing. There’s not much that gets my pulse pounding in the woods more than the sound of a gobbler and I’ve been hoping the kids could hear one of these. It hasn’t happened yet when the girls have been with me, but when it does I know it will excite them too. Another cool thing we’ve been seeing lately while looking for turkeys is a bald eagle. Unlike the turkeys, the eagle has been in our yard several times. It’s another bird that gets me absolutely fired up! 

As turkey season quickly approaches (youth weekend is this weekend) there’s one very important thing that people need to keep in mind. Safety. As many hunting accidents that we have during deer season, turkey season seems to be even worse. I know of several people that have been shot while turkey hunting, and just like with deer hunting, I believe it to be an unforgivable sin of the outdoors. Be 100% sure of your target before pulling the trigger so we can all enjoy this season and seasons to come! 

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