I had an awakening experience in codependency group therapy several years back. “You have to ask for what you want,” the therapist said. “When we were infants, we would whine and cry in hopes of getting the attention of our caregivers, in hopes that they would predict our needs. But as adults, we can talk and express our needs, so we should.”
My ex-husband used to listen to a podcaster named Brother Diallo. I once overheard him talking about the infantilization of men—how we as women coddle men, anticipate their needs, and take on tasks like cooking and cleaning so much that some men never really learned to take care of themselves.
Since we are often mirrors of each other, I thought, what does the infantilization of women look like?
Raising Emotionally Intelligent, Self-aware Communicators
It’s a fantasy to think that women will never have to use our words; That we can pout, tantrum and silence-treatment our way into a loving and psychic relationship. Now, I’m not knocking anticipating each other’s needs as acts of love and attentiveness. I think it’s a beautiful thing, but not to the point where it becomes a handicap. Not to the point where it angers you if this “mind-reading magic” is not performed.
When I have life-changing discoveries like this, I often try to relate them to how this new knowledge should shift my parenting. I recall telling a friend that if I had a daughter, I would definitely teach her to be aware of and communicate her needs. I would teach her to get to know her likes and dislikes and to revise them when necessary in hopes that she will stay in tune with herself.
While having this conversation with my sis Latasha Allston, she pushed back on my analysis. She doesn’t think men do a good job of this, either. Men also don’t know their needs or communicate them well, but because they often have more attentive partners they don’t need to do this well to get their needs met. (I love her brain!)
Sometimes, it be yo’ own self perpetuating